Addiction is Such an Ugly Word
by Lethe2
Summary: Cordelia's obsession with romance novels brings her and Angel closer. Complete
1. Angel Finds Out

Disclaimer: I do not own Angel.

Title: Addiction is such an Ugly Word

Summary: Cordelia's obsession with romance novels brings her and Angel closer together.

Cordelia guiltily glanced around the room before reaching for the contraband in her purse. She was really beginning to feel like a junkie. First she had kept her habit at the stores, not buying, just looking. Then she had brought it into the safety and privacy of her apartment, where only Dennis could see it. Then she had started sneaking it to the office. It was really very foolish, one day she was going to get caught. But as long as that wasn't today, she was going to get her fix.

She opened the book and turned to the page she had left off on. She was just getting to the good part. All the more reason to be careful, and all the more reason to take the risk.

****

Bam! Went the doors.

And quick as a flash the book was back in her purse.

It was Gunn declaring that he'd had a run-in with a new demon. Which was rather obvious by the large amount of neon yellow goo he was covered in. Wesley had emerged from his office and was excitedly discussing the details. Angel would no doubt appear soon and Gunn would re-enact the fight like they were a bunch of losers hyped over a football game.

Sigh It all just served to remind her why that little paperback book was in her designer handbag. There was an utter and complete lack of romance in her life. Or anything remotely resembling it. She had no love life, no girl friends, she rarely saw anyone who wasn't a demon (or at least wearing demon goo) and oh, she had blinding headaches. Yes, she definitely deserved the books. If only she could get to one now.

Well, there was only one place in the hotel she could be alone without fear of interruption. She snuck away, trying not to make too much noise. Luckily, Wes and Gunn were far too engrossed to notice.

"Where are you going, Cordy?"

Crap, Angel had come in at the wrong moment.

"The bathroom," she said in her annoyed voice. The key to getting away with anything was to act like you had a right to do it.

"Why do you have your purse?"

Ugh, why did Angel have to have been born two centuries ago? If it was Wes or Gunn they never would have asked that. Why did any woman take their purse to the bathroom?

"Because I do," she answered haughtily, striding past a confused Angel.

Finally, Cordelia reached her sanctuary and closed and locked the door. Gunn could take a shower upstairs. **He** would know not to bother a woman in the bathroom. She got settled in the bathtub and then eagerly began to read:

__

"Where are you going?" Armand's deep brown eyes bored into hears as they looked at her vulnerably. It was like she held his heart with her answer.

"I'm just going to the powder room. It's really a necessity." She breathlessly stole away from him. She was scared to be around him, scared of what she might do. He could be so gentle, but his masculine strength frightened her. He was always fighting demons of his own.

Man, that was weird. But then maybe not so odd. Angel was really like one of those romance heroes. All tall, and strong, and saving people. And he just made you want to love him out of his brooding. After being hurt by himself and his horrible trials with Buffy. Of course, what he really needed most of the time was a good swift kick.

(Ten minutes later)

Knock Knock "Cordy, Gunn needs to use the shower. What are you doing in there?"

"There's a shower upstairs."

"It's broken."

She was just beginning to think she'd have to leave when she heard not so quiet whispers.

"Man, what are you doing?"

"Trying to get you clean. That stuff could be toxic, it's better to be safe."

"But you don't try to get a woman out of the bathroom, it's hopeless."

"She's had plenty of time. What could she possibly need in there for?"

"Trust me, **we** don't want to know."

"Do you think she's sick?"

****

"I can hear you, you know."

"Nah, she's too snarky to be sick."

Cordelia opened the door.

"There Gunn, clean that icky demon goo off."

"Thanks, Cordy."

Ignoring Angel, Cordelia marched back to her desk. It looked like she would have to wait until she got home.

(Next Week)

Angel sat in his office over-thinking things, or in other words, brooding. He was worried about Cordelia. She was spacing out at work. And sometimes she would disappear for no good reason. And she took her purse everywhere. He didn't know what was wrong, but something had to be. He had to find out what it was before he went crazy.

Unfortunately, he could only think of one way to find out. It was wrong, and almost certainly against those "rules" Wes and Gunn were always trying to teach him. But if he could only get into her purse, he could find what she was hiding.

He just needed a chance, and as he heard Cordelia's heels click away to the other side of the hotel, he saw an opportunity. Luck was with him, she had left it there. He unzipped it and reached inside.

A romance novel?


	2. Angel Wonders

It had been another busy day at AI but Cordy was now perfectly content, wrapped up in a blanket with a mug of warm hot chocolate. She reached over and opened her purse, retrieving the novel inside. Flipping it open, she breathed in and surprised to smell Angel's cologne. Oh great, she thought, now she was smelling him too. It had taken her over a month to realize why every romance hero reminded her of Angel. Why she didn't even pick up the books with blonde haired men on the cover. Why she always slipped into imagining the two of them. She was in love with Angel.

It was hopeless, in every possible way. Which is why she found such solace in reading about what could never happen. It let her be with him in a way.

* * *

Meanwhile, Angel was sitting in his office, wondering about what he had seen that day. It didn't make sense to him. Not because Cordelia had a romance novel, although he'd never thought of her as the type. It confused him that she was hiding it. Going to extremes to hide it. Cordelia was usually confident and tactless. Sure the rest of AI was all men, but it seemed far more like her to simply do whatever she wanted and tell everyone else they'd better deal with it.

And although Angel was relieved to find out it was nothing more serious (he had checked the rest of her purse to be sure) it still bothered him that Cordy was so obsessed. It couldn't be healthy. It was interfering with her work, relationships, last week they were all going to hang out at a new club and Cordy skipped to, in her words, "to have a nice, normal, night at home." He now knew what she had really been doing.

So why was she so obsessed?

Well, obsessions fill some kind of need. Right? Hadn't he read that somewhere? Or overheard some Ph.D. guy who made too much money say it? So what need could this possibly be filling?

Angel thought, and thought, and thought some more, but he ended up virtually clueless. So he decided that he needed more information. Then he could finally intervene for Cordy and they could find a healthy way for her to calm whatever need this was.

Now, all he had to do was get a hold of a romance novel.

* * *

Angel had quickly decided that the fastest way to get one of the books was to buy one. He knew Cordy would miss one taken out of her purse and Dennis was likely to tell on him if he tried home invasion. Luckily, her remembered the title he had looked at earlier that day, so he knew exactly what to get.

Soon he found himself at a quaint local bookstore. It was one he even knew Cordy went to sometimes. He found the section labeled 'Romance' and slowly started searching.

"Can I help you with something?" inquired a female bookstore employee. Or actually, looking at her nametag, she was the store's owner. It was a small store.

"I'm looking for a book titled Hopeful Desires."

"By Magery Farrington?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Let me see. Ah, here it is. Is this all?" At his nod she added, "I can ring you up over here."

As the bookstore lady proceed to check him out, her curiosity won over.

"We don't get too many male enthusiasts for this type of book." He certainly didn't look like he needed to live vicariously.

"Well, I'm not exactly getting it for me."

"Your wife reads them? Or your mother?" She didn't think his wife would need to read them either. Tall, Dark, Hot, Slightly mysterious. sigh You didn't see men like that in here every day.

"I don't have a wife. Or a mother. But you could say there's a woman involved."

It occurred to Angel that this woman might know something he didn't.

"Why would a woman read romance novels? Or not just read them, become obsessed with them?"

Ah, so there was a girlfriend. That was cute, if incredibly clueless.

"Does this woman have a name."

"Kate."

He didn't think Cordy would appreciate him telling this lady about her.

"So this Kate, she reads all the time. Maybe even when she should be doing other things."

"Yes."

"And how do you know her?"

"She works for me."

"So you see her everyday? And you're concerned about her?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I'd say you're on the right track. Here's your bag. Have a nice day."

The bell rung as the handsome man walked out of the store. Well, if nothing else, that girl should notice him reading Hopeful Desires. giggles It's a shame she couldn't give him more advice, but far be it from her to interfere with the course of true love.


	3. Angel's Conclusion?

A/N: A big Thank You to everyone who reviewed!!

When you're a junkie, you can have a tendency to be a little paranoid. After all, one little slip could land you in jail, or a mental institution, or in this case, make you really really embarrassed.

Well, it wouldn't really be that bad, would it, she thought? I mean, unless they caught her when she was reading in the office bathtub? After all, they didn't know she was obsessed. They didn't know she had started skipping social functions, and work, and sleep, to entertain her habit. All they would really know, if they caught her, was that she was reading a book with a dark haired man with too many muscles on the front. And they were men, what could they say about it? They didn't know what all the other women did. And most importantly, they couldn't know who that dark haired hero on the cover was supposed to be.

In fact, the only way they could really know that, would be if they read the books themselves. Then they might see all the little nuances she did. But they would have to know her really well to see those. And anyway, the whole idea was ridiculous. Who would watch her well enough to know all that? And who would honestly care that much?

So her secret had to be perfectly safe. Then why didn't she feel like it was? Paranoia. It had to be paranoia.

* * *

Angel watched Cordelia he approached her at her desk. She seemed lost in thought, worried actually. He wondered what was wrong. The truth was, the more he read of her novels (he was on the third one, purse snooping again) the more concerned he became. It was completely obvious, even from the first one, that the main character in the books was supposed to be Cordelia. They were always brunettes. They were always beautiful. And more importantly, they always had an imitation of the spark that made Cordelia so special. But they were always vulnerable, always lonely.

He'd never really thought before that Cordelia could be lonely. After all, she had him and Wes and Gunn. And there was that pack of girls from Sunnydale. And she could go out with any man she wanted. But she was obviously lonely. And he was going to do something about it. Something friendly that didn't involve fighting demons.

"Cordelia, would you like to go ice skating with me?"

"What?"

"Ice skating. You know, they have an indoor rink downtown. We could go. Get out of the hotel. It would be fun."

"You want to go out of the hotel. Voluntarily. To go skate on ice with a bunch of people around?"

Angel nodded, "I used to go skating outside, as a child in Galway. Those are some of my best memories. I just thought, I'd try it and see if I still liked it. So will you go with me, please?"

She couldn't say no to that, "Fine, Fine. You don't have to beg. But now I have to buy a new outfit, just so I don't look stupid while I'm skating."

"So, is Saturday good?"

"It's fine."

'Good' Angel thought. Getting her out will be healthy and we can spend some time together like normal people. It would be nice to see Cordy in a non-stressful situation. Maybe she'd lower her guard a little. He really wanted her to let him in, to her heart. Into her heart?

* * *

Once Cordy's brain got past the "What the heck?" phase, it went straight into, "Angel just asked me on a date." overload. Try as she might, she couldn't help but be very happy about it. Not that she'd act like it was a date, because it probably wasn't supposed to be one. But her subconscious wasn't listening to her, it was busy squealing in joy and drawing little cupids. 


	4. The Date

'Into her heart? Into her heart?' the thought had been repeating in his head since right after he'd asked her to go with him. And here he was, driving Cordelia to the skating rink, and it was only getting more persistent. He'd never thought with that phrase before. And the truth was, it was a little too intimate for a friend.

He'd told himself he loved Cordy before. And although he'd never said it, he knew that he did. But you could love a friend. You could help a friend out. You could even die for a friend. But could you really long for one like that? Could you want so badly for them to think of you, for them to smile at you, for you?

His gaze unconsciously moved to her.

* * *

Cordelia was, surprisingly, a little nervous. Of course, it wasn't every day you go on your first date with your dream guy, so maybe that was understandable. 'My Dream Guy?' I really have to stop thinking like this, thought Cordelia. Apparently her long dead romantic side had taken over without permission.

'This is not a date.' she told herself. She had a feeling she was going to have to keep reminding herself of that fact. Actually, she was curious, why did Angel ask her to go with him to a skating rink? It certainly didn't sound like the vampire she knew who loved to stay inside the hotel and brood. But she trusted Angel, there wasn't any questionable motive behind this. So she was going to relax and have a good time.

To Cordelia's surprise, Angel was actually good at ice skating. Despite his childhood story she had figured he must be horrible after 200 years of no practice. Plus, vampires and ice skating just didn't seem to go together. But he was gliding along effortlessly. Unfortunately, she wasn't.

"Is something wrong Cordelia?"

Just because she was clutching the side of the skating rink with a white-knuckled grip didn't mean anything was wrong. She hadn't ice skated since a fourth grade birthday party. She just hadn't thought about it until now.

"No, I'm fine Angel, just a little rusty."

"Come on Cordelia, come away from the side."

He looked amused. She wanted to kill him.

"No, I'll just stay like this. I can go around the rink just fine."

"Cordy, come away."

"No."

The mischievous smile that broke over his face was her only warning before she was pried away from the side by Angel. She tried to struggle away from him.

"Angel, let me go."

"Cordy, I'm not going to let you fall so you might as well just relax."

"Hmph," she protested slightly but found herself giving into his demands.

It really wasn't so bad, gliding securely across the ice with Angel's arm around her waist. It was something she never would have done on her own, and really Angel seemed to have that affect on her. Giving her courage when she would have been afraid before. And she couldn't pretend that she didn't enjoy being cuddled this close to him.

It was all like something out of one of her books. The handsome man. The convenient excuses to touch each other. The semi-non-traditional date asked for out of the blue. Oh no. No, No, NO. He couldn't possible know, could he? No, it was just paranoia. Paranoia.

I mean, he didn't like her so why would he try to take her on a date? Except it wasn't a date. And he had looked so concerned recently. It wasn't like Angel to leave things alone if he was concerned. What if he had found out what she was doing on all her off time? What if this was him trying to ease her into reality? Humor her fantasies? It was too embarrassing.

"Cordelia? Are you ok?"

Angel had felt Cordelia tense. They had been having such a good time. He wondered what had gone wrong.

"I, I just want to go home Angel."


	5. The Discussion

Angel led Cordelia out to his car. He wasn't sure what else he could do. What had gone wrong? Everything had been going well. Cordelia was relaxing, and he couldn't pretend he hadn't liked holding her in his arms.

"Are you all right, Cordy?" he asked once they were seated in his convertible.

"I'm fine."

"Then why did you want to leave?"

"I just did, ok." Maybe she could tell him she thought she was going to have a vision. Falling down and smashing her head in front of people, bad. Too bad he already knew he didn't get any warning…

"No, it's not ok. This isn't the first time you've made lame excuses to get out of something. I want to know what's going on."

"Nothing is going on Angel. Why can't you mind your own business?"

"This isn't healthy Cordy."

"How do you know what I do Angel? Maybe I just don't like hanging out with a wimpy Englishman, a guy who leads a gang of demon hunters, and a Brooding Boring **Vampire**!"

"Oh, Yeah! Who do you hang out with then?" countered Angel, not trying to harm her, but knowing he'd have to get her to admit that she had a problem.

"I hang out with lots of people! In fact, I had a date with a really hot Spanish guy last night. And we had a wonderful time. So there!"

"You didn't go out with a Spanish guy last night Cordy. I would have been able to smell it."

He said it matter-of-factly but to Cordy it was a big reminder of how much Angel could perceive and knew about her.

"I care about you Cordy. I care that you're isolating yourself and keeping the world from getting to know a wonderful woman. I, I care that you're unhappy." he said the last part softly, almost whispering it, as he tried to catch her eyes.

Cordy wasn't looking at him. She was embarrassed, and scared to look and see his gentle soulful eyes staring into hers. She was afraid to be vulnerable, but she was almost more scared by the fact that he cared. No one had ever really cared about her, not like Angel. Not enough to worm their way into her heart and find out every little secret about her.

"I love you." She said it without thinking because she was Cordelia Chase and what she thought she said. It was a hurt little whisper, as if she'd been backed into a corner and could do nothing else but show herself.

"What?" Angel said just as softly.

She looked at him. She wasn't going to take it back now. Whatever happened, she had to be honest now.

"I love you. The books. I know you know. They were about you. I didn't know at first. I wanted to you to love me. It's your fault. Always watching over me, being my Angel. I couldn't help it."

She looked away again then and he lifted her chin up to look at him.

"Cordelia Chase you have no idea how lonely I was until you walked into my life. I'd rather go back to Hell than have you leave me. I love you."

He kissed her then and it was soft and sweet and she realized that she'd been crying but it didn't matter. It was the first time she'd ever kissed someone she loved, and that made it perfect.

"Cordy, the curse. Everything. This isn't going to be easy. I can't give you a normal relationship. It won't be perfect."

Aww, Angel was worried about her again. How cute.

"Angel, if I can manage fighting demons, blinding visions, and taking care of three men, all while wearing the perfect shoes I can manage a relationship with the vampire I love."

"A typical Cordelia Chase answer. I wouldn't have it any other way."

They kissed again and she snuggled against him, content to watch the stars wrapped up in each other. And Cordelia didn't think about romance novels for the rest of night.

The End


End file.
